Attending My Father’s Funeral

By Paul Grundy

The last time I stepped into a Kingdom Hall was six years ago. At the time I had been trying to fade, but attended a funeral out of respect for a kind and loving woman.

As that funeral progressed I found myself disappointed and irritated at the proceedings. The speaker began his talk with the briefest of details regarding the deceased, and then transitioned to a standard public talk: Why do people die? Where are the dead? What is the resurrection hope? What is the difference between the great crowd and anointed? How great Jehovah and his arrangements are and how lucky Jehovah’s Witnesses are to have such knowledge and hope. He then stated that if we are to enjoy of this wonderful hope we need to make sure we are having a full share in the preaching work. His talk was nothing more than a Watchtower marketing pitch. Then, almost as an afterthought, the speaker remembered to refer back to the sister, but only to conclude that she had believed these things as well.

In sharp contrast, I attended a non-Witness funeral recently. Several people shared their memories, with many wonderful stories that painted a picture of the person beyond what I had known. I had always loved the funeral speech from “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” in particular the poem “Funeral Blues” by W. H. Auden. That was how a funeral should be: close friends and relatives being permitted to reminisce about a lost loved one.

A Watchtower funeral is a far cry from that. I cannot help but feel rage every time I read the funeral talk outline, which specifically states:

“Instead of eulogizing the deceased, use the material in this outline to give a fine witness concerning the truth. Good balance should be observed in this regard. Doctrinal points can be presented as beliefs of the deceased, which served as motivation for him.”

When my father was diagnosed with cancer and it was clear he would die, I greatly feared having to attend his funeral. I knew what to expect from the discourse and how irritated it would make me. Even more difficult would be the shunning I would receive. I would be going back to the congregation I was raised in, but this time I would be considered “a notorious apostate.” I had read many experiences about the mistreatment of former Witnesses at funerals and how they were shunned or excluded from the proceedings.

My Father’s Funeral

The funeral talk turned out to be a departure from normal. Dad had been a Circuit Overseer until his diagnosis, and even whilst he was undergoing treatment he spent a week in Bethel to conduct an audit. His prominence in the organisation apparently made a difference, as the funeral talk was unlike any I’d heard before. My father’s coffin was displayed in the Kingdom Hall, and two brothers from Bethel flew down to give a two-part funeral discourse.

The first brother covered information from the standard funeral outline. But rather than just a typical Watchtower marketing pitch, Dad’s life and achievements were actually woven throughout his presentation of Watchtower doctrine. It was a satisfying summary of a wonderful man.

It still all led back to the Watchtower though. Dad had gone to university prior to his conversion and been an accountant and auditor. The speaker seemed determined to show that because of Dad being intelligent and analytical (or did he mean “despite these attributes”?), he came to believe the Watchtower was God’s organisation. This sort of self-affirmation is common amongst Witnesses, but it’s a rhetorical fallacy, since all religions contain some intelligent people.

There followed a second brief talk by the Australian Bethel Branch coordinator, passing on the love and condolences of the Bethel family.

The treatment I received at the Kingdom Hall varied. When I entered the hall a brother gave me a large hug, and several others came up to speak to me. Several of my old Witness friends spoke to me quite normally. However, after that I noticed that the majority refused to approach me, and specifically avoided any eye contact. One person spoke to my cousin who was standing next to me, but completely ignored me. No matter how often it occurs, being shunned is always difficult. How do these people think that shunning is supposed to show that they are “the most loving and truthful organisation,” when to any outside observer it is a sure sign of being a cult?

More difficult to deal with was those that didn’t shun me, but made a point of pushing the Watchtower line on me. One sister said, “Under the circumstances, I am here to give my condolences – under the circumstances.” Another told me that now that Dad was gone it was time to get my act together. I was asked if I had “come back to the truth” yet? Another Witness reminded me that I had “suffered the greatest loss of anyone at the hall,” because I will never see my father again – unless I make some changes.

It is a shame that even during such a difficult time, the Organisation feels determined to impose its irrational behaviour on others. I have been out of the organisation long enough, and been confronted by shunning often enough, to have been prepared to handle the craziness. But I was certainly glad to arrive back home and count my blessings that now I am free from such control.

For a copy of the Watchtower funeral outline go to: http://jehovah.net.au/books/Watchtower-Funeral-Discourse.pdf


paulgrundy-3-150x150Paul Grundy, editor and webmaster of JWFACTS.com, is a frequent contributor to this site and other Jehovah’s Witness and Watchtower discussion websites. He has a well-earned reputation for the accuracy of his documentation and as a moderate and reasoned critic of the Watchtower.



Comments

Attending My Father’s Funeral — 5 Comments

  1. Life is what it is and we can’t change a lot.
    Our thoughts and beliefs are all that we’ve got.
    It is what it is and easy to see,
    We are are as happy as we want to be.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. The final few paragraphs especially resonate with me. When my grandfather (non-JW) passed away I’d been DA’d for almost five years. As I stood in front of his coffin shedding tears for the man I’d loved so much, my sister in law came up and put her arm around me, and said, “I hope you remember all the wonderful hope we have for the future and to see grandpa again.” I shrugged her arm off me and walked away, thoroughly disgusted at her lack of tact. (At the luncheon later that day she apologized for offending me)

    When my non-JW mother-in-law passed away the year before, my parents had sent my FIL a sympathy card… Naturally with a tract inside about seeing the dead again. My in-laws are born again Christians and he threw the tract in the garbage – of course.

    Their lack of tact, lack of empathy in these cases absolutely floors me. They are so intent on “comforting the grieving” that it just doesn’t matter whether others already have hopes and beliefs of their own – those beliefs can’t *possibly* bring the sort of comfort that belief in the resurrection does… Grrrr.

    I am sorry for the kiss of your dad, and the way you were treated by the ignorant ones at his funeral.

  3. I’m sorry too. I was taught that the main purpose of disfellowshipping was to protect the flock, so I never saw anything wrong with me talking with ex-witnesses at funerals and times like that. I never brought up the bible unless they did-out of respect for the emotions they were dealing with. I have a heart. When my grandma was dying I asked if she wanted me to read the bible to her. She said,”No. God is everywhere-I think!” My father expressed surprise later that I hadn’t tried to push my beliefs on her. Why would I do that to a poor dying woman? I know there are other witnesses around like this; because they are the type of witnesses I am attracted to also! But ah yes, there ARE problems in this paradise.

  4. Very sad. It is disturbing that JWs insist on pursuing ‘the Party line’ even at such times as a funeral. Wholly inappropriate: it is bad mannered, insensitive and unchristian.

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